communication and friendship under question

Figuring out how to publish on this blogger has been a bit of a challenge but I am finally figuring it out. Today I am feeling very negative again so I am publishing my thoughts once again. Please don’t suppose that I am always this way. My change in circumstance has made it difficult to be lite of heart. Today I question my ability to communicate and my ability to make friends.

On the subject of communication I feel that since I amnot able to convey myself without being understood that I should limit the amount of what I say in general. The chief person I have been communicating with is my husband. I suppose that our recent move from our house in one city to a tiny apartment in another city has placed it’s effects on our understanding one another. He is the only person I have to share my thoughts and feelings with. Since my thoughts have not been uplifting these many days I am not received warmly. Yesterday, for example, I was reflecting on how my life has changed and why I feel so useless. When we had a home I not only cared for my children and made meals but had a 1,500 sq ft. home to care for, yard work and gardening to keep me busy, sewing and baking to do and educating my eldest. I also was somewhat involved in the community with answering question about breastfeeding and other health related inquires. I also taught NFP classes, practiced reflexology and provided meals to families on occasion. I also had family and friends I could rely on regularly for communication or distraction. Since our move I have been in a tiny apartment of no more than 800 sq ft. There is no yard to work in. My sewing machine and bread making things are packed away. My apartment takes, maybe, a half hour to clean. My only responsibilities are to feed and amuse my children. I hope to begin educating my eldest again soon. I feel useless. I do to labor or contribute much at all to our family’s welfare. I simple left to consume and be idle. At least when we had a home I had work to do and I felt I contributed when I sewed, baked or found other ways to stretch our finances. I expressed my feeling to my husband last night stating that I was looking forward to having a home again so that I could once again feel more useful. He at least had a job to go to every day. His remarks were simply for me to refrain from judging our entire move as negative until our circumstances had changed and I once again found myself in a home. Apparently, all he hears is that I am unhappy here. That was not my intention. I am very happy here. I simply feel lost. I am not myself and idleness does not suit me. I just needed to communicate it with someone. Expressing any negativity is being taken as personal from him. I fear that I no longer feel I can truly share my thoughts with him. I have thus concluded that I am to rely on God alone to share my true thoughts and feelings with. I know that this is where God has wanted me to go with Him for some time. I struggle with it because my very nature requires that I have audible feedback. I am reluctant to believe that my sole unburdening to God will be sufficient for my needs but what other choice do I have. My journaling here is the only other solution so once again I am re-evaluating a desire to share my postings with anyone.

My second thought is regarding friendships. I have am thinking on this subject since my intended move from my childhood home to this new home. I am one and thirty and this is my first time to move to another city in which to live. I am much like a child. I feel as if I am having more of a difficult time than anyone else. Particularly with the lose of my friends. But ion the course of moving I have come to see my friendships in a different light. The friendships that I held dear have come to reveal themselves to me as shallow in deed. As I was preparing to move I had hoped that my friends would show more remorse at my future absence from them. I had hoped that perhaps a gathering together for a time of fellowship (party) would be suggested. A similar celebration had been provided for another friend in conjunction with a baby shower. But alas, no one even suggested such a thing. Not that I wished for such a get together but an offer would have been appreciated. I watched my husbands co-workers make such a fuse over his leaving with a celebration and letters of sorrow of his departing being written and still others providing financial gift offerings to assist us in our move. My husband has need pursued any deep friendships outside of work and yet his departure was seeming to effect his co-workers more deeply than mine on my own “deeper” friendships. This truly pained me. To be fair I tried to make my departure as plain as possible by telling others around me that it was no big deal and that I would still be around every so often. I believe this was due to my own inability to face the reality of what a move would really do to my relationships. I wanted to believe that I could sustain them from a distance and that my departure would have very little impact on my reality. I of course was deluded. This change has made me see that my friendships were never that deep at all. I do take partial blame. I am not the type of person to be so effectual that people flock to me, desiring to be close acquaintances with me. But of the friendships I devoted my energy to and to those who I was loyal to I have been disappointed to find that they were not more than what I thought them to be. I feel a great desire to make it my study as to why adult relationships outside of family are so difficult to create and to grow into something deeper than a pleasant acquaintance. I have been slighted before in friendship and this is the second time that my love and loyalty has been misplaced and unreciprocated. Will I be able to discover how to be a better friend to those around me? Will I ever be able to find a devoted, loyal friend whose love for me and I for them is not diminished by distance or circumstances? It is my soul wish to have such a friend before I die. Am I capable of giving again? Am I capable of soliciting for such a friendship from another? It remains to be seen? With the challenges of motherhood and the duties of a wife is it even possible to develop such a friendship? I know not the answer but I hope in time to give more insight to this subject. I accept almost the entire failure of my past relationships upon myself. My failure to communicate and my very nature must have such an effect as to keep people distant from me. It can not be that I am unlucky in the choice of my friends that I continually find myself disappointed. I will endeavor to secure again someday a friendship that is true and deep. Perhaps I will be deceived and disappointed many times before that end but I will continue to try for some time before I allow myself to give up all together and conclude that such a friendship is not possible.

(I apologize for the style of language used. I have been watching and reading entirely too much “Pride and Prejudice” and it has effected my speech/writing.)